Monday Market- Liquid Sunshine

I’m not a heavy drinker, because I try to avoid the horrible feeling that comes with too much of a good thing. There is one thing that is absolutely sunshine in a can (or bottle) to me in the summer.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me hap-PEEEEE!

Some may make fun of what I lovingly call my “beer Sprite,” but this is seriously my favorite beer for the summer.

Singing with the Crickets

Some of you know that I picked my trainer, Renee, based on the fact that she had to schedule her training around two weeks where she would “live like a Kardashian.” I had no idea if she was a good trainer or not. She had a sense of humor and that was good for me. I knew we would become friends. She was from Kentucky and had once lived in Birmingham, so she has Southern cred and that was comforting.

Like myself, Renee is a people watcher. We are planning a NASCAR trip at some point. Right now we are in the pre planning stages. I have chosen these shorts:

NASCAR shorts

I’m going to wear mine loose on my hips to show off my thong and Renee is wearing hers a few sizes too small. We are still debating Budweiser bikini tops or bedazzled husband-beaters, but I digress.

Renee invites me to go this local karaoke bar, Crickets,  for best people watching next to only the Fall Festival. She prefaced a girls night out, but she has been talking about going to this bar for months. I suspect she is having people-watching-withdrawals.

We walk up to the bar and there is a very large guy hanging outside. Surely, he is not a bouncer. What in the world would they need a bouncer outside of a karaoke bar in Newburgh, Indiana? Do they have unruly singing or something? This isn’t NYC, for goodness sakes. There was no line of hopeful people waiting to enter the place.

We go into the bar. It has assorted tables that may have come from a bingo hall, vinyl covered high back chairs (also from a bingo hall?), and an assorted variety of the areas finest people. I felt a little insecure, everyone had a cigarette hanging out of their mouths and I was not a smoker.

We find some open bar stools and plant our butts down. Renee had a cheshire cat grin and I eyeballed the crowd. Oh yeah, this is prime time.

I didn’t think Renee noticed that the guy sitting behind her who was eyeballing us like a couple of ribeyes. He was sporting a handle bar mustache, a classic mullet, and masculine tank top. He reminded me of this guy:

Joe Dirt

I did not think she could hear me over the can moaning (singing) that was taking place, so I immediately sent her a text: Joe Dirt is here sitting right next to you. 

She whipped her head around to look and back at me and about spit her beer on me. Her text back: I’m in heaven. Then she claps and hollers for the person who just finished torturing our ears. I didn’t want to be rude and discourage them from doing that again.

We had another gal, Kristin, meet us there. She showed up as I was returning to the bar from the little girls room. The gentleman who had the stool next to me was asking Renee is she was going to sing.

Renee: I am tone deaf.

Me: She has the voice of an angel.

Man: eyebrows raise

Renee: A tone deaf angel.

Me: She is just shy. Her voice is beautiful. Everyone in the church choir thinks so.

Man: blank stair

Me: She only sings at church. Only hymnals. Do they have hymnals in the karaoke book?

Man: Only in church huh?

Renee: Can we get three shots of tequila?

I do not do shots. I like the song by LMFAO, but I straight liquor is not my friend. I talk about doing shots, but I’m not longer in college.

Renee gave me this don’t be a fun-sucker look. Fine, but can I have a very large glass of ice water please.

Lick, shoot, suck…. blech.

I forced back my gag reflex making that first 1/4 of the shot my bitch. Ugh.

I look over and discover Renee and I have another similarity: she also only drank about 1/4 of her shot of tequila. We are both talk a big game, but boil us down to reasonable gals who fear horrible hangovers and vomiting in public.

We pushed back our unfinished shot glasses and decided to belly up to the karaoke stage. We had the karaoke book, but just couldn’t decide on what to sing. Every song we came up with had not been in the book.

We then would pick out songs and do our best interpretation of that song. It was like a competition of who could make us laugh the hardest. Somehow, we ended up singing one of my all-time favorite songs It Takes Two by Rob Base and DJ EZ Rock. Renee too is a fan of late 1980s hip-hop. Who knew? We were not at the microphone, mind you, but sitting directly in front of the singer as we belted out the lyrical geniusness of Rob Base.

All of a sudden the karaoke commander states that this is the last song of the night. A young guy stands up and makes his way to the mic. I cannot be in a karaoke bar and disappoint the girls. He was singing Closing Time. I absolutely hate that song, but I wasn’t going leave there without doing something. I karaoke-bombed him.  I consider myself a really good back-up singer and a fabulous car soloist, so I knew he would not mind. And just to give everyone a little extra something something I did the robot during the musical interlude. Oh, yes. I do NOT disappoint.

And just for your musical pleasure:

Weekend Recap

The kiddos and I took a trip to Augusta. My hairdresser and her firefighter fiancé got married Saturday. 

They are a young, young sweet couple. My bff, Better Than Grits, was my date, so that meant Ouiser Boudreaux and Clairee Belcher were in the house! 

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Yep, those were our expressions too.

This wedding was adorable. The wedding party wore cowboy boots and they were married by the fire chaplain in a cute little country church.

Here’s the church:

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We celebrated with beer in cans and pink wine right on the shore of Clarks Hill Lake. Ouiser and I got to teach the catering staff how to properly open a wine bottle. (We did not use our teeth, don’t worry.)

The father of the groom had this beautiful tear jerking speech. We were all tearing up, so we had to cope with humor. He talked about how his son needed love his new bride like Christ loves the Church and how it means that when his wife is sick he’s not supposed to go duck hunting. He is supposed to stay home and take care of his sick bride. I leaned right over and told Pearl and Ouiser that I’m going to marry the grooms dad, because when I get sick he won’t vacuum the house. My mother thought it was funny too. 

Pearl really got into the moment. She wanted to be someone’s matron of honor, so she can give a speech too. Since, Ouiser just divorced, I told her she can be Ouiser’s next matron of honor. I had that job during the previous two weddings, so I didn’t want to be stingy.

Good thing Ouiser has a sense of humor. The redneck, Irish in her could have come out and put a boot in my ass. I’m not kidding. She is not afraid. She’ll rough up a pregnant woman and argue that it doesn’t hurt the baby if you hit her in the face. 

The three of us at the wedding reception:

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Ousier, just so happened to be wearing the same dress as a lady we dubbed, Nancy Reagan. Nancy would not make eye-contact with Ousier and wore a lovely scowl on her face. We weren’t sure if that was because Ousier had that same dress on as her or that the buffet line wasn’t open yet. Nancy made three trips to the buffet.

The wedding was fabulous, but we double booked our evening and headed out to a graduation party. It was a reunion of sorts being that most of us worked together at one time. There were some other people there that we probably scared a little bit. It’s one of those things where there is a whole lot of giggling and story-telling, but it is more funny to the people involved then those who are listening and they are laughing, but it may be that they were laughing at us. And just to prove how awesome we are, Grits and I tweeted a pic of our gangsta selves to Ludacris:

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We decided to take it on back to the house and have a propah Southern evening of wine and Duck Dynasty. Grits had never seen it. She’s now looking forward to every Wednesday night and she may have a little beard envy. I know I do. 

Driving to Augusta

I will be on my way home today. It will be an 8 hour drive with a 5 year old and 2 year old, which means I’ll need earplugs and lots of caffeine.

I had to cancel my gym session with my fabulous trainer, so I’ll make up for my calorie burning with 8 hours of keigles.

I cannot wait to spend time with my friends and family!

Monday Market – Etsy

There is the young girl that works at the gym nursery who was crocheting a cute baby hat in the shape of an owl. You know the kind you buy, so you can hire someone to take your newborn’s photo in an owl hat nestled in a padded willow basket?

“You don’t sell them yourself on Etsy or anything like that?” I asked her.

She indicated she didn’t and she didn’t know what Etsy was. GASP! A lady pays her to make them and this lady then sells them in her boutique. What? First you tell me your leaving money on that table and now you don’t know what Etsy is?

I seriously wanted to ask if she knew about the internet, but that would be abusing her intelligence and I really wanted to encourage her inner entrepreneurial spirit. I repeated Etsy.com about 5 thousand times in a one minute conversation while hustling Olivia out the high heeled play shoes and back into her own shoes. “You really need to sell them on Etsy.com.”

For those of you who are equally clueless, Etsy is kind of like an online crafty, artisan-type of super store. There are tons of hand-made little bits of everything: from adorable newborn baby hats, to one-of-a-kind art, to geekery, and more. It is a place where you can find a really special gift for a birthday present, such as a fancy-shmancy camera strap or a hand stamped necklace charm.

The best thing about Etsy is that if you are going through a lull of brain activity and are in need of inspiration they have the best media merchandising on the net. If I was knee deep in excel spreadsheets or trying to come up with an ad design, I would just go to their homepage and get a little boost of happy. They usually have a cute theme of like items all cleverly grouped like the gardening themed page above.

The other nice thing about Etsy is the personal contact with the artist or seller. When I purchased the camera strap for my bff, I sent the seller a note about how much I knew my bff would love it for her birthday. She sent me a note back thanking me for the compliment and asked if she could include a note from me and mail it with the gift. How sweet is that? It sometimes is the personal touches that make the all the difference.

I love you Etsy!

Now get shopping!

For my mother…

My Mom

Thank you, Mom,

For giving me life

For loving me unconditionally even though I was a pain in the ass in my late teen years

For sacrificing for your family – working 2 jobs and taking care of kids is incredibly hard

For laying a strong moral foundation and fostering my relationship with God

For never being afraid to change your hair – because now I’m not afraid either – we’re just more creative & daring than others

For your stunning sense of humor & laugh – Your horse cackles were once embarrassing, but I learned to appreciate them

For your spirit – It may have took a lot of therapy to out, but you are quite the spunky woman and of course I like that

For being there with me during every ailment, surgery, and the birth of your two grandchildren

For being able to laugh in times of tragedy – because we both cope so well by inserting humor

For teaching me the fine art of pet teasing – that I willingly pass on to my children

For being so loving to my friends, sharing in their joys and sorrows

Thank you, Mom, for everything that you do that makes you my mother. I love you and wish you a very happy Queen’s Day, your highness! I’ll be there next week to celebrate.

Love,

Your daughter XOXO

Speck or plank? Who is the judge? Let’s move on please.

As most of you know, I do follow politics. I try not to force my opinions (too much) on others, but I feel that most people need to research and decide for themselves as to what they believe is right or wrong.

The overwhelming passion to the outcome of North Carolina’s Amendment One ranged from sad disappointment to elation. I have read several pieces from both sides and even felt I had to defend an attack on someone who is gay that I follow on Twitter. It seemed so easy for the offender to throw their Bible at this guy that I had to pick up the Bible and pitch it back at him. Sorry to @GayPatriot if I overstepped my boundaries, but I cannot stand hypocrisy. 

From what I have learned from my God, is that we are all His children and He loves us no matter what. Our Heavenly Father knows all of our sins before we are even born and has given us grace through the blood of Jesus Christ. We should endeavor to have our own personal relationship with God and not judge how others live. 

Matthew 7:1 comes to mind especially: 

“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

Yet some people are compelled to throw the Bible at others to purposefully hurt them, point out their sins, and all the while displeasing God themselves. It is no wonder that so many people shy away from organized religion. I shutter to think that people find Christianity synonymous with intolerance or anti-gay when I know my God loves all of us sins and all.

I consider myself a conservative amongst the political realm and most people know that. But my political believes are such that I am in support of individual freedoms. If two consenting adults want to commit themselves legally and a church is willing to marry them, then what is it of my business. If it is wrong to them then they wouldn’t do it. 

I think people should be empathetic. If your son or daughter came out as a homosexual how would you feel? Maybe you would feel disappointed or sad, but do you love your son or daughter any less? You may  disagree or disapprove. However, if they are an adult and you reared them in a loving home and taught them all the morals and values the best you can, then what else can you do? They are going to make choices independent of their parents, not despite them. You do not have to approve, but this doesn’t make them evil and they aren’t any less worthy of love.

Not to be flippant, but I just don’t see that this is a huge issue when we are 6 trillion in debt with a Congress that hasn’t passed a budget in years, doing nothing for energy independence, and have a ton of people unemployed. 

Happy Anniversary… Part 3

The recovery lasted a while. The surgery was done under the muscle, so mobility was limited and painful. I could barely sit up without help at first. The day after surgery I woke up at 4am needing to go to the bathroom and had to get Brian to help me. 

I was told to keep up with my pain meds to help recover. Nothing to worry about there, I wasn’t going to miss a pill. No driving or lifting heavy items for a week: it hurt to think about moving. 

The no driving left me with relying on someone to take me to my follow up appointment. My friend Stephanie was nice enough to take me. Not wanting to defy doctors orders I took my Percocet before she got to my house. 

By the time we got out of the car the Percocet was working quite well. It was like drinking a jumbo margarita and then that oh shit I’m drunk feeling hit. From what I remember, I may have said those exact words to Stephanie on the way to the office. 

We go to the patient room for the unveiling. It was Stephanie, the medical assistant, Dr. Ewart, and drugged me. The doctor unwrapped my dressing and holy shit. I think I had the same reaction the first time I became engorged. My boobs were gigantic. I never bothered trying to look at them before then. 

Dr. Ewart said the swelling would take a while to go down. Uh, I hope they go down. This was ridiculous. 

My mouth was open looking at them in the mirror and I look over at Stephanie. Yep, pretty much the same reaction as me. Gah!

So I tell Dr. Ewart that she would be his next patient. Anything to get the attention away from my chest. 

Everything was so surreal and that was due in part to the medication. He asks if I have any questions and for some reason I think of another friend of mine that claimed that her implants would kind of squeak.

“Have you had anyone complain that they make noise?” I asked sheepishly. 

This cracks him. Ha! I have made the serious and professional doctor laugh. My work here is done. I believe the medical assistant is also laughing. I know Stephanie is. The front office could hear her horse cackling.

“No, not really.”

Hmm. “Okay.”

So, that’s it in a nutshell. There were several days of pain. It was similar to doing maybe the same number of push-ups as our national debt. I was pleased to know that not too many people outright noticed.

If you are considering doing plastic surgery, then do your research. There are many women who don’t research and have been mutilated. You also have to be detailed with your surgeon and communicate what your expectations are after surgery. 

 

Monday… er (Tuesday)… Market: Clorox Green Works

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I love Clorox bleach. You can use it for almost everything and it gives you supreme confidence that it is germ free. The smell however… it stings the nostrils. And the fact that you just can’t go Cloroxing every little thing, because it is so strong limits its cleaning powers.

Enter Green Works, a natural all-purpose-cleaner: no harsh smell, it cleans well, and it really is all natural. I’ve used it on almost everything. It is my wood table go-to cleaner. After the Bo-Livia meal aftermath, it does wonders to clean up their mess. 

I haven’t used the other products, but I will try them out in the future. I do have a favorite bathroom cleaner and will share that with you on another Monday, maybe.